I’m grateful for that. Interesting how a couple of years can change your entire mentality on everything you thought you knew.
At one point I was so sure of myself. So confident in who I was, what I believed in and what my trajectory of life would be. And then one day, I asked myself WHY. Why was this the way I thought, the way I acted, the way I moved through life…?
And then I realized, I was living for someone else. I was manuevering in a way that would be pleasing to my mother (who I could never actually please), and moving in a way that would be accceptable to the church (which I was never able to fully feel accepted, like I was doing the “right things” to constitute a “good” Christian). To think, I held onto a faith that had me grappling with myself day in and day out if I was actually going to go to heaven despite ALL that I put into trying to do the “right” things.
The church did not treat me well. It did not take care of me as a child. Societal pressures, religion and misogony had me consistently questioning myself for my entire life that I just thought it was normal to opening curse myself for virtually anything i did, get fed up with trying to live up to some imaginary person’s standards that were not rooted in agape love and non judgement, rebel, sin, repent, rededicate, overcompensate, and repeat :) What a time to be alive.
I love that I am no longer that person. Once I had the bravery to step out of my religious comfort zone and seek answers that felt right in MY spirit (not dictated by anyone else), my spirituality began to soar, and my relationship with God became in tune, aligned, and pure.
The church did not take care of my younger self, and I established very unhealthy, toxic habits that 4 years of therapy has done wonders, but it brought me to who I am today, someone who appreciates and always attempts to give grace to every past version of myself. Someone who is growing in the direction of her choosing, and receiving signs every day that she is on the right path. An enlightened path. One laced with peace, agape love, non judgement, space, freedom, curiosity, and an open mind, always.
I am still learning about her, but this present version of myself is my most favorite yet. Thanks for sticking around :)
